Kzinti’s Neighborhood

If this writing seems random and disjointed, please excuse me, I am pretty shaken up by this. I don't know that I have ever been as bummed out as I am today to find that my hero, the inspiration for me to do all of this, Jim Carroll, has passed. Before we had LiveJournal and blogging, there were people called diarists. Jim Carroll brought us, Forced Entries, Living At The Movies, and probably his most well known, The Basketball Diaries. This entry is about him.

"People Who Died" is probably Jim Carroll's most well-known work. When John Lennon was killed, it was the second most requested song on FM radio, after "Imagine". It was also at the beginning of the movie 'ET'. I think everyone is familiar with that song, at least...

I remember back in the early 80's, living up in Duarte, CA., when I was just getting into new kinds of music, 'People Who Died' and 'It's Too Late' were favorites of mine. I was in the 8th grade. I had an old copy of Living At The Movies that I had stolen from a public library, I used to carry it around with me wherever I went. This was all just before my vehicle accident, fond memories of wanting to write my own stories, before I even had any.

Jim Carroll brought me to an uneasy side of life, the ugly parts where I would feel most comfortable. I don't really like to talk about it, it's just what I am. If I say it all out loud, it seems pretentious, it feels like I'm trying too hard to be weird for the reader, and that's just not me. It was more like, finding people and places that were like I was feeling inside. Jim was like the older brother I always wanted. The cool dude I could go hang out with, who was getting into the same kinds of trouble the rest of my friends and I were.

His words were beyond descriptive, he could take you to a scene and you saw it all happening right in front of you, you could smell it, you could hold it in your hands. His poetry would make me feel like I had been standing there with him. Jim's choice of words was meticulous, he must have spent years on some sentences. And the time between releases tell that I might not be far from the truth.

Getting something new from him was like gold, for me. I recall getting his book 'Void of Course' about 10 years ago, and I kept it close by for weeks. In a bag, under my  pillow. I absorbed every word, I took it all in. It was, to say the least, heaven. The most well known poem from that time 8 Fragments For Kurt Cobain  was the stone cold killer of the book, for me. It said things I wanted to say about the suicide of what most call a 'rock icon', and a tragic loss. It asked the questions Kurt should have, and considered the consequences he never bothered with, and the fact that we were all left to 'clean up' his legacy, not celebrate it. That's how I took it, anyway.

Jim Carroll's own music, more than just the 'punk rock' the papers are calling it, this week. It was smart, it was poetry set to music, but it was also documentary, it was all true. It wasn't just something fleeting, and from the heart. It was the heart itself, dug out and thrust in our faces while it was still beating. His music seemed to have the same meticulous construction his writing did. He was doing more than just touching on subjects no one else would, he was throwing them at us, forcing us to deal with them as they were! He wasn't working around words like the great songwriters, he would just say it! He would find the words that hit the hardest and make sure they were heard.

I don't want to spend any time giving you what I thought his work meant to me. I don't like the notion of interpreting something for someone else. I think it's best someone takes the work, and gets what they can from it. And I think we all get something different from what jim was trying to share with us. But I'll share a tune, and maybe you'll get a piece of Jim from it for yourself.

...One of my all-time favorite songs by anyone, is 'It's Too Late', enjoy.

Sunriseinhawaii

Even though today was a new day and the clouds coverd up the sun and rain fell down making small puddles in our yard, I felt fresh a new beginning. I went to my doctor yesterday to find out my results and information about what was going on inside my body, He was actually the same doctor that deliverd my first son and rememberd me....okay my son is 3 1/2years old wow! He rememberd that I was in labor and so was the lady next door and I heard the nurse explain it to him and I said "please dont leave me" hahaha with no time for pain medication I squeezed my little 6lb 9oz baby boy out in 15mins and walked to me new room 30mins later snuggling with my warm newborn. Anyways back to the doctor visit he then placed his hand on my knee and said "its not cancer" I began to cry and then he hugged me. I couldnt thank him enough for releasing all the worry and pain from the pit of my stomach ITS NOT CANCER!!!!! I walked out of there ready to hit a casino or something (yeah right with my wopping 5 bucks) I feel so much better so releaved and taking my pain meds with a little more ease knowing it will all be done and over with soon. I will feel normal this time next week and I am very thankful for my clean bill of health with just this minor set back.....

Kat aka "Wookie Girl" as per Kzinti's pet name for her, Katie to me... has been accepted at the Art Institute for next Fall's term. Not only that, they were so impressed with her portfolio they are allowing her a $13,000 Grant for the first semester. That gives us a little more time to come up with the other $14,000! But, hey thats no kick in the pants and they might even put up more, once they see what she can really do once she gets there!

I am anxious for her art show in April, she is working on some fantastic stuff right now.

~Proud Madre (that's what she calls me. I think it was something Stewie from Family Guy said, lol!)

I am so mad that I had to blog about it. As you probably know, if you look in the right hand column of this blog, I have several websites. They are about as diverse as they can get. I go from making jewelry and Legos to trying to help the Sioux Tribe. My websites were a mess, being some of them have been removed or combined, to try and make my life easier, let alone lessen the amount I was paying out for them.

So, tonight I decide it is time to make the links go to the right places, do a little artwork, making a logo or link button. To my HORROR I find that someone has hacked into Two Hearts Organization site. If it was one of the others it would have hurt sure, but this particular site was setup supposedly to raise money for the Sioux, of Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota, you know, where the battle of Wounded Knee occured? The forgotten people.

It was not only hacked, there was PORN all over the forum. I am in tears. How can people do this crap, I mean don't they have anything better to do. I knew there was something wrong when it said I had 1750 members!! It all started out because I was trying to help these people get some clothing, and maybe money for heating bills this winter. It all fell through when the economy went in the dump, and I had to find a way to keep our own heat on.

...end rant

Scared

I dont blog very often but I know my dad does it cause it helps him get through hard times, well thank god for vox then because I want to scream, run away, drive into on coming traffic....I dont know what life has in store for me but I know just when things start to look like they are getting better as you turn the corner you fall into a deeper hole...I've never been more afraid then I am now of things going on, my nerves are shot. Ive taken up a new hobby to try ans ease the tension but now its not even working, I lay awake at night, my body starts to tingle and my head feels light as if I were getting off a merry-go-round and get rather dizzy feeling, cant see straight, thoughts, bills, whats going to happen tomorrow running through my head. I try to take a bath and calm down and all i want to do is get out as soon as I get in, showers? I find myself sitting in the tub with the shower running down my back and start to cry wishing all this anxiety and pain would wash down the drain like the water.

 My husband is a carpenter, he was out of work for 2weeks, it hurt us big time. He is back to work now an we got put on assistance (i thought that would make things better) our landlord let us pay her little by little to catch up on March rent, so far $200.00 with $630.00 to go and the first of april is coming too fast :( Power guy came yesterday to turn off our power thank god I had a little cash on me to keep him satisfied and not turn it off til next pay day. Insurance was cancelled on our car, tags need to be renewed by the 31st, still cant sell my damn car to pay my dad back for last time he bailed us out of debt, Car payment called said pay or set one up or we will come get your car, behind 60days plus, 3rd payment behind will be as of 3/26/09 not to mention the other utilities...basically we can keep our car but we have until 6pm to make a payment, yeah its pay day so $463.00 taken out of our check leaves us with $212 for gas, diapers....looks like insurance, utilities and what ever else have to wait...I have alot to live for even if its eventually in a box. My babies dont go without but what more can I do? Is everyone going through this? Is this just what I have to look forward to as being an "adult" I just want to cry all day but I cant I have to take care of my boys and smile and pretend that everything is going to be ok and I honestly dont know if it will, my world is falling apart right before my eyes and I cant piece it back together fast enough :( Sorry to vent but I dont know what else to do anymore, Im tired of being the strong one, Im being broken and cant do it anymore...Dont tell me you just dont think about it! How can you not think about bills and making a living for your family, nothing is just free....i didnt sign up for this :(

Well, right from the beginning I told you all, I was a horrible blogger. I get so busy, never having enough time to do anything. I have tried to cut down on the diversity of my hobbies, only to pick up a new one. I have opened an Etsy shop and am making jewelry. I don't have anything posted yet, maybe tomorrow. The kids say they like what they are seeing and looked so surprised that I can actually do something like this. I have about six things made, need to get good photos of them, to do them justice. I sold a couple of them already, to my kid's friends and one to her, lol!

The LEGO business has been going for almost seven months now, and is booming! I made enough in the last week to pay for the RV payment and have some left over, yay! That was about as much as I was making in a month. I never thought it would be doing this well, but hey, I am making money even when I sleep!! With helping our married kids, and the hubby's overtime lost, this really helps out around here. It's nice to have my honey come in the door and tell me he is proud of what I am doing and that I really am helping. Thanks Sweetie! (I know you are reading this :) )

So, here I am. I read about you guys when I can, and wanted to tell you all, I am glad I have you here to keep me sane!

Not sure if anyone has noticed my absence, but.....

My hubby's hours at Ford have been cut, so there goes the extra cash. For many years I have been the stay-at-home mom and loving it, being able to do things with the kids and grandkids, not finding it necessary to work. I did my genealogy and had other interests I was able to pursue. This year I decided doing genealogy for 40+ years was along enough and I needed something else. I tried dog breeding, but that was a farce! I was constantly looking for something I could do from home and make some money.

Well, this fell in m y lap, out of the blue. My honey has always had a "thing" for LEGOS and God knows we have enough of them, totes of them, everywhere.... he found a place on the intyernet where they host stores and you can buy and sell all the LEGOS your little heart can bare! So, I saw what he was about and took the ball, so-to-speak, and ran with it.

Remember the RV, the one I lovingly call "The Beast", well I made enough cash selling little LEGO minifigures, the first month that I could make the payment and nopt sell it. NOW if I can make enough for the GAS! LOL!

I call my store THE MINI-MEE SHOP kinda catchy, huh? Well, I am getting great feedback and repeat customers, so it looks like I am doing it right!

So, if anyone needs some stocking stuffers, or feel the need to LEGO yourself go here:

http://www.bricklink.com/store.asp?p=MiniMee

These little guys have traveled to far away places like Hong Kong, Budapest, Belgium, France and Norway. I setup a temp webaite where I will be putting more stuff:

http://www.ariannas-illusions.com

That is where I store my poetry and some art. It also hosts my own web-sets, which are not selling because I do not know how to advertise them, but hey it was fun making them!

Back to making some more Mini-Mees!

I know there was a lot to expect once I became someone's mom. I knew there would be skinned knees, tears over boyfriends, or the kid down the street calling names. The part I was not prepared for, was the problems your adult children would experience. Once I was married (the first time), I was considered an adult and my family expected me to take care of myself. I was no longer a part of my old family, not in the way it had been. I was beginning my own family unit and things changed, drastically.

My five kids are now adults, scattered over three states. The youngest turned eighteen in July, and can vote and all that adult stuff. They are should be prepared for the world, and what it has in store for them. My own mom kind of abandoned me, once I reached adulthood. No excuses here, but with that kind of relationship, I was not prepared to be an adult's mom, nor what that entailed. I must have messed up somewhere along the line.

I try and tell my kids I will always be there mom, but am no longer "mommy". I do not think they get that. I was/am hoping it would tell them, I cannot always pick up the pieces for them, and that they are supposed to learn to do these things on their own. Some of my kids have children of their own now, and they need to start somewhere. How do I teach them, when no one taught me?

Do not get me wrong, I and my loving husband are, and always will be there (and this last month has definitely proven that), if they fall and cannot get up on their own. But there is a lot of little things happening, that they could resolve on their own, if they try harder. Sometimes I think they are thinking, "Hey mom and dad can do this." Well, that is a lot of pressure on us, kiddos.

Lately, the phone rings and I hesitate answering, holding my breath for the next crisis. This is wrong. My stomach has not quieted down for months. I am a mess, thus my shortage of posts here, as they would be mostly crying, whining, bitching and complaining.

I would like to write more, write of joy and laughter and some tears, but preferably happy ones. Till next time......